He was more than 90...

I was sitting on the couch talking on the phone when my cell phone rang. I was just updated "surgery is done. Dr Gessler said it went well. In recovery. Will let me go back in a bit. Praise! -Judy" so a pit formed quickly in my stomach when I saw it was Judy again. "Grandpa had some complications and they are coding him right now- I'm sorry, can you please call your family and let them know it doesn't look good." In a blur I called them quickly, arranging for my mother in law to come be with the girls. As Joel and I pulled into the hospital I saw mom & knew, "Grandpa's not here anymore" she said. I wont even try to explain the pain I felt, the pain I saw in mom's eyes, and the overwhelming emotions. How totally unexpected. In the matter of an hour we praised God for the surgery going well and then we wept. "Grandpa went to heaven."

I hated telling people what happened, calling work and canceling class, calling family. Because Grandpa was so amazing it hurt so bad. I knew people finding out that my 90 year old grandpa passed away wouldn't do him justice. I know even though he lived a long, full, life...none of us would ever be ready to let him go.

Some of my first memories of him were going out to eat for our birthdays. Grandma and Grandpa would always let us pick where we wanted to eat, anywhere we wanted. Of course Anne and I picked McDonalds until we grew up a little, then moved on to Ponderosa. We'd sing the whole way there and back in the car. It was my favorite thing about birthdays. I remember riding with Grandpa in his old army jeep. Grandpa drove to close to the pond and we were sucked into the mud. Of course I thought we were going under and were all going to drown. I remember his calm smile and him laughing the whole time. I remember watching Grandpa do surgeries on animals. We'd all cringe and "ewe" as he chuckled under his breath and laid all kinds of gross things out on the table in front of us. He'd let us hold the light and sit high on his chair the whole time. He treated each animal so kind and gentle. 

He was always kind, always gentle. (had to be if out of 13 grandkids he only spanked one, Joel) He played wiffle ball with us, pit, & scum. He'd lift his head, look up, and laugh his quiet laugh when everyone declined more food and Grandma piled it on anyways. 

Lately when we'd come to see Grandma and Grandpa, Grandma would be resting in her chair and Grandpa would be sitting in his rocking chair by the television, usually watching Jeopardy. He'd stand right up for hugs and say how happy he was to see everyone, always grabbing toys and playing with the great-grandkids. When we'd walk over to see Grandma, he'd smile and say "look at her, isn't she beautiful?" Almost 66 years of marriage and he treated her like a queen, ever day. 

Talking to Grandma since Grandpa passed away has blessed me so much. 

"He's my prince. I don't know how I'll live without him. He never said a cross word to me. He was soo wonderful. I didn't get to kiss him goodnight. He was my sweet heart. He would love to see his family like this, I'm so glad for my family. I loved to hear him sing when he'd sing bass. I'd sing to him in bed "let me call you sweet heart" and then we'd both sing together. He'd be here with me right now, laying, and talking about our day. He treated me so good. He made the best eggs. He was soo wonderful."

She's right. He taught us all to love. To love God, to love each other, and to love people. To respect people, to make each person feel important. To ask questions. To be ornery. That it's okay to cheat in cards, only if you don't get caught. To take care of each other. To laugh. To hug often. To stop by often. To say I love you. To live so people know you love them. He and Grandma showed us what marriage should be. Grandma's right, he was soo wonderful.

It doesn't feel right just telling people Grandpa passed away, it feels right telling them that he was so wonderful, he was so fun, he was so much to so many people. He genuinely loved everyone he met and even more loved God and served him every day. He deserves heaven. He deserves rest, good knees, and with good eyes to see God in all his glory. He deserves every bit of heaven. He was soo wonderful.

I'm kinda like that old guy.

Last Wednesday was a long day. I can't even remember why it was so long, other than running on about 3 hours of sleep & 2 grouchy children. I know I got nothing done other than surviving and making the house look like we got along just fine that day. Knowing very well that I crave Taco Bell with an unhealthy strong craving, my husband suggested we stop there on our way to youth group. Yes to no cooking. Heck yes to no spaghetti.
We had a wonderful family dinner. Instead of everyone starring at us and thinking 'poor parents of two wild toddlers' or 'what on earth are they doing with kids they cannot even control' we got looks and comments that said 'they are so cute', 'what sweet sisters', and 'you're so blessed'. [I love being reminded of how blessed we are].
On the way out, feeling wonderful with a belly full of 'sand & cheese', there was an elderly man who could barely walk carrying a cane, a bag of food, and a drink. (I couldn't help but wonder if this will be the great lengths I go through when I'm 80 to get Taco Bell). I motioned to Derrick that I'd get the girls if he would help this sweet lil man. Gladly Derrick offers to carry the mans drink and food and help him out to his car. He {Derrick} really can be charming. The man hesitates, then lets Derrick carry only his water. Holding the door for him the man carefully hobbles through. Going through the second door the girls whoop and holler because it's cold and 'hurry hurry, we want to go to 180!' so Derrick took his focus off the man to make sure I had an eye on both girls and the cars. Derricks foot that was holding the door wide open slips and the door crashes shut on this poor man, he hops and falls into the outside while of Taco Bell while dropping a few bomb words. (Seriously, knowing the man was fine, how is one not to laugh while watching?) Derrick rushes to make sure he doesn't fall, apologizing over and over, as the man swings his arm shooing him away. The man asks for his water back and is adamant about getting to his car alone. Derrick finally wins with a really sweet apology and walks the man to his car.
After hopping in the car and laughing hysterically at Derrick for shutting the door on the poor old man and the words that came out of the mans mouth I begin to think.
Derrick was doing such nice things for this man by helping him. He didn't have to. He had places to go, kids to chase, and a toasty warm car waiting. One wrong move and the man was no longer grateful for anything and wanted nothing to do with him.
I find myself in this position sometimes...I form opinions of people right off the bat. If they do anything different I write em off as someone else. I am a thankful person, I like to think I'm giving as well- but one time someone takes advantage of me, that person is no longer appreciative of anything I've ever done, or given, and I sure as heck wont do it again.
It's hard to see slip ups for slip ups, especially when it hurts, or it makes you look dumb. When it totally blindsides you it's easy to react by running your mouth and cutting yourself off from the person and situation. I hope to use this memory to remind me help me forgive and to be more grateful. I hope that when as I laugh with Derrick as we still talk about it, that I'm reminded how I act like a grumpy old man who just wants his Taco Bell.

I cringe when I think of High School....

I was a dork. I thought I was cool. I liked boys, plural. I couldn't make up my mind between other dorks, jocks, goody goodies, or the bad ones. I loved sweat pants, but I found importance in dressing 'cute' some days to get attention. I was a 'good girl' just a little 'ornery'. Outta my siblings, a little ornery landed you in the black sheep category. Everyone else was intelligent and applied themselves. They were sure about where they were and where they were heading. There were few things I was sure about.

One of the things I was sure about was my future. In my here and now of my senior year, I was going to have fun, earn the title class flirt (for some reason I was secretly proud of that) and wait patiently for my planned out future. I visited a few colleges before someone told me about one out by Chicago. Hopped on a plane, by myself, was picked of at the airport by the friend of someone who knew someone, and stayed in the dorm with that guys girlfriend. By the time I got off the plane in Chicago, I was sold. Not because of the city itself or the college at all...but because when I stepped off that plane in a huge airport and had no idea where I was going, I fell in love with the adventure. I fell in love with being independent. The college was cool, though I'm not sure it was a whole lot different than many I coulda went to in the same state. But it was farther away than any I looked at and I loved that. When I stepped off that plane I started planning the rest of my life. 

It looked like this:

I will go to college here. For journalism and broadcast news. I will fall in love with someone here, either from here or another state, one that had nothing to do with Ohio. I'll go where ever he wants to go really. Holidays would mean plane rides, I would experience airports all the time. I'd fly alone. I'd fly with a spouse. I'd fly with my kids. I'd work in sky scrappers. People would say "turn the channel to such and such, Kristen's doing the news!"

It still sounds fun to me. But obviously it happened way different. I came home after one year and started dating, not only from Ohio, but someone I knew for many many years. I fell in love, fast and hard. I ;moved home after my sophomore year and changed everything. My degree went to whatever I could get fast so I could settle down and be his wife. I got pregnant 7 months into marriage and have been a stay at home mom for three and a half years. I traded sky scrappers for silos and cornfields. Exciting business looking strangers for amish and faces I grew up with. I traded business suits for all day pj's, and my face on the news for days without seeing people at all. 

You can imagine that sometimes I feel like I've failed and let more than myself down. 

You can also imagine the light that went on last night while sitting in a room full of high schoolers, some that act just like I used to :yikes:, when Stu said "trust that God's plan for you is better than the plan you have for yourself." 

My mind immediately went back to when I was the age of most of the girls in the room. To my dreams. To my goals. To my black and white plan. I know I am right where God wants me right now. I also know I'm so far from where I ever planned I would be. Somedays are easy to trust in this plan and the path that I'm on. But days like yesterday are full of gross poop stories, hurt feelings, grouchy kids, feeling isolated, and never ending messes that no one will congratulate you for cleaning. Those days I especially need to trust God's plan for my life over the one I had.

I am a stay at home mom, helping raise the next generation. I'm worshiping every week with hearts that are wide open to love, acceptance, and God's plan for them.  I'm changing the world in sweatpants and t-shirts. And even when I'm grouchy or beat down by a career driven world, I can have a joy, a peace, because there is a plan worth trusting, and I don't have to write it. 

Spoiled Rotten No Good Brats...

and since it's my blog I can call em whatever I want to! :)

i have run into a few people who have literally had their love bought by material things. as sad as it is it grows into irresponsibility and insensitivity. people like this has no consideration for other peoples time. they have no appreciation when you bend so far over backwards for them you about snap. the words thank you never leave their lips. they can be so incredibly fun to hang out with but drive you absolutely mad. so what do you do with people like this.

coming off of my 'this is my missions field' thinking i need to just keep being a helpful hand every.single.time they ask, or don't ask, they expect. i need to be Jesus to them. i guess i need to learn to think more like Jesus.

one thing i know about Jesus- He hung out with the unlovely. i bet He loved that. the Bible says He had compassion on them. i am praying to get to that point. its.so.hard.

Let's chuck it...

Things have been crazy lately. I'm sure most of you know what's been going on in my family...anxiously awaiting a baby, a thyroid with a cyst, pre-cancerous moles, colonoscopies, potential cancerous tumor ....ahh. I mean within a week, two tops.

I've been feeling on top of the stress and emotions just the pressure to keep up. To keep a clean house, to cook dinner but first go grocery shopping, make doctor appointments, find babysitters, pay the doctor bills, find time to play and to teach, to be at 180, to reach out to kids to spend time with them, to pray for them, to clear my mind for a few short hours to be there completely. I've felt pressure to help, to do, to be, to work, to budget, and I just might explode. (I don't even want to talk about my favorite holiday, Christmas, yet.)

Last night David Gardner joined us at 180- he's a missionary to Peru. He told his story. He plays soccer with sinners, he's friends with them, tells one the gospel and it spreads. The excitement spreads. They bring people to hear. There's a picture of a whole group of people and he's touched them all. They will all be in heaven because he made sure they heard the Bible.( I don't even want to think about what my picture would look like, it'd be sad.)

He lives so normal, he has a beautiful wife, beautiful daughter, gets to play soccer, goes to church, drives a car, even carries an iphone. Yet he positions himself to win souls...he read from Matthew 9. If I could repeat his words verbatim I would.

Bear with me. He started in verse 35 explaining how Jesus spent full days helping people, healing people. That kinda makes me stressed just thinking about it...I get worn out from such minor gestures of 'help' because my schedule is strict (my fault) Mondays- laundry, tuesday clean, wednesday bills and projects, thursdays....seriously!!! who does this, week in and week out. Yet Jesus healed, not "I'm sorry, I need a shower and peace and quiet from 1-3" I'm so pathetic. Anyways...all day healing, let me help you vision who he was helping....a women with a bleeding problem, lepers- gross seeping wounds, dying flesh, people throwing themselves at Him every where He turned. Verse 35 tells us that he went about all the cities...healing every sickness and every disease among the people. 36 But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, BECAUSE they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd. 

NOT because they stunk, or were dirty, or gross, or starving....but because they were lost and dying with no shepherd. *Dear self, you need to see people differently*

Secondly he pointed out that vs 37 says "the harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few". Asking the questions "what is the harvest? when you go to harvest do you take seeds with you?" Nope, the fields are done being worked, the seeds were planted, grew and now need harvested. All God is asking for is harvesters. To love and lead people to Him.

Seeing David's pictures last night and reading these simple verses I began to dream, to let my mind wander. 

He caught my attention closing with verse 38 "Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest" 

Sure, I can sit here in my comfy house, fire place lit because it's a little chilly, listening to music on the big ol' tv and pray God would send someone.  I also need to remember that God came to save the world and as of today, my mission field is here. I need to reach out and love my brothers and sisters in Christ, but if that is all I am ever doing I am not adding to His Kingdom. Find sinners, find people who are different, who talk different, dress different, smell different and love them. That's my goal. Position myself with 'sinners'.

I will pray that the Lord sends someone, but while I'm sitting here typing about all the stress and struggles in life, I would be lying if I didn't admit I pray that maybe just maybe God uses the Zahners in a bigger plan, in a picture that's just a little bigger than the picture I can see. 

Today my stomach turns, nothing will solve the physical problems in my family, nothing will fix the hurt from missing such a huge part of our family from cancer, financial stress, and the stress of just not having enough time in the day...but it helps to dream...what would it be like to just 'chuck it all' and head outta here?

It's been awhile...

I'm babysitting: Maci is the sweetest little thing, fast asleep on my chest. Mia, going down for a late nap, is asleep upstairs, and me...decided I should update. It's been long overdue. 

I only have so long to update, there's Park Street Pizza on the way. One thing that never ceases to make me happy. 

I'm not sure what's going on. I haven't physically felt 100% for awhile so I decided to look into it. Sweet little nurse does blood work because my thyroid felt large, totally bruised the heck outta me. I lived. Had an ultrasound done on my thyroid that showed a small cyst. One doctor says to see a enda-chron-ologist and get more blood work. One doctor says it's a small cyst and the first set of blood work looked good so see no specialist and do no more blood work...just go back in 6 months for another ultrasound. Seriously- get on the same page. 

So I decided- rather to be safe than sorry? Trust doctor B and save a pretty penny? 

Secondly someone else in our family is having testing done and it's not looking pretty. It kinda puts my teeny lil cyst to shame actually. 

All the while we wait for baby Herman. He/she was much anticipated to come yesterday but the lungs weren't developed so there is a c-section scheduled for the 22nd. I was so wanting to hold a sweet lil baby in the midst of life right now, but I will wait. I'll keep praying for it. And when we get to hold him/her- it will be a million times worth it. 

On the other hand- we just had a missions conference at church. Now, for the last two years, I leave it praying 'okay I'll go, or I'll stay, but please make it reeeeaaallly really clear'. My question to Derrick was "does everyone sit in these messages thinking they are being called, or wondering if they are, or am I thinking that because we're being called and I'm to dumb to realize it?" I didn't get an answer. He just said I shouldn't wonder what everyone else is thinking. Ooooh boy, I guess I'll keep wondering but hiding it...haha. 

I love missions conferences, it puts life into perspective. Every where should be your field. And the coolest thing I learned and was reminded of was that missions starts here. now. And to be content with where God has you. Also when God shuts a door- not a bad thing. I'll have to dwell on that later. It was such a wonderful week. It's pizza time and I am so very hungry. 

Sorry this was random: I will try to get back into blogging again. I'll look for interesting topics :)

I'm annoying:

You know like one of those really annoying people who isn't 100% anything.

I'm realizing now that to the fitness world, I might be just that...annoying. I like to work out with people. I just started teaching TurboKick and the first night I fought back tears. I didn't have fun and I messed up about a ba-jillion times. I wanted to tell the girls to get their money back, I can't teach, and I wont. Last night, however, I had fun, I was able to laugh or move on without making it noticeable when I biffed, and I had a blast. The girls in the class are so much fun and it's a good workout. I hate running. I love how I feel when I'm done. I do not diet. Yuck. I like grease to much. That annoys healthy people- to see you work out and then eat like that. It's annoying to not healthy people who eat like you to see you work out. Sittin in the middle of two extremes. It's annoying.

So my dilemma comes when I become a certified fitness instructor and it's automatically assumed that, duh- she eats good and is totally interested in shakes, bars, pills, and dieting. Because who cares enough to teach fitness but not enough to eat right?

To be fair- I've given them a try. I did a trial of Zija, a 3 day cleanse of Shakeology,  a 'spark' of AdvoCare. I've heard great things about all of them. 

I liked Zija- kinda. I'm a weird texture person and the drink gagged me. I don't like taking pills and hot tea that makes me poop- ehh. I did it for a week and noticed elevated energy levels- I went a whole day with no coffee. That is huge. But coffee is so.very.much cheaper. I've been told you have to do it for 30 days before you feel the total effects- but where I am in life I don't want to jeopardize $250ish to 'see if it works'. And if it does, I don't want to spend even a hundred dollars a month to gag down a drink and take pills and drink tea (really I'm not knocking Zija, I'm knocking my commitment to it and my lack of connection with it). I'm not obese and I don't have prescriptions to be saved from- so I passed on Zija.
Shakeology I liked. It doesn't taste bad, it's chocolate- how bad could it be? I wasn't  hungry with replacing meals with it, and I lost weight. A good amount for a 3 day cleanse even. I've debated sticking with it, replacing a meal a day with a shake- or doing it Mon- Fridays and loving my weekends...I dunno- here I am: annoying, not 100%. It's a little over $100 a month...eek. I'm a cheapo- can I buy it with a dented box? Perhaps spilled and scooped back up? just kidding. Just cheap. That's me. 

AdvoCare- I have nothing bad to say about. I only had one drink and I was not feeling good, at all, when I drank it. I drank it on my way to teach my second TurboKick class ever- where with cramps, a sore throat, and feeling light headed teaching seemed impossible. I chugged it- it says it helps with focusing and I'm sold on it. I had so much energy that even not feeling good I made it through the workout, home for bed time routines, and til midnight. I learned it's great- but don't drink it at 7pm. This I might invest it, what more could a mother of two toddlers ask for? Their energy in a bottle? I'd say it's comparable. I'm not sure about the other products they make, but I just might be willing to try them. I cringe, cuz I'm strong willed and I don't give into products- but energy is hard to turn down. This is much cheaper (I have not compared all the other stuff they sell) but I can get a box for $22ish and a tub of it for only $50 something. We shall see.

Either way- I just don't commit to things like that. Then of course people want you to sell it so they make money off of you selling underneath them and you can make money and... there is no nice way to say it. I don't like pushy people. One such product is full of pushy sales people- I'm sick of it. Just because I'm so stubborn and "well if you don't leave me alone I'll..." I refuse to let it hit my tongue. Because I feel like it's ridiculous that people attach Bible verses to it- seriously? SERIOUSLY? Because you can't post anything on facebook about a sore back, or being tired, or feeling a cold coming on without someone saying "you need (need, urk) this product! it's all natural, it's a miracle (i was going to try to leave this word out, annoyance crawls) it will solve all you're problems and cure your daughter of...." eeerrrchh- stop right there- someone told my friend it would cure her daughter. I need to get off this subject. I feel like the news station where they say "we report, you decide". I report. You decide. 

I'm going to leave this subject all together before I get into trouble- I love dearly people who sell products. I see nothing wrong with making a living. Please don't be annoying. Just live it, use it, look great, feel great, and when people ask- calmly tell them it worked for you. (kinda like being a Christian, don't make it look annoying. Another subject for another soap box day)

I will close with the world ending tomorrow. If it does- how the heck did this man find it out? If not, strike 3? Will he stop predicting? And shouldn't Christians live everyday as if the world were ending tomorrow? And if you're not a Christian- do you believe in the rapture still? I say if you're freaking out, research. Find reason to either freak out enough to change, or find reasons not to freak out. I dunno. 

I do believe there will be a rapture, so the fear of the unknown rides up in me. How does 'forever' really work? Everything I know, and have ever known will or could end- I don't get words like 'eternal' and 'forever'. They make my head hurt if I lay in bed and try to think of something never, ever, ending. I'm sure, SURE I wont be scared once I know- but I can't grasp it, and it's my human response that cannot wrap my brain around it. It's comfortable when things are familiar. I'm sure it'll be a heck of a lot more comfortable when they don't end though. 

Do I think this man can predict the rapture? Nope. But I want to be ready if it is tomorrow. Or if it's the next day. Or if it's not for 10 or 50 more years, I want to live my life in a way I'm ready. I believe no one knows when the rapture will happen- so why not be ready? Or no rapture- what about a car wreck? Don't you want to die ready? Maybe not. I dunno. But why let a guy who's not been right yet freak you out worse than a book that's been right before...so when it says no one will know...I believe It.  

There's my annoying rant. Don't, please, be offended if you sell stuff- I like stuff- I buy stuff. Stuff makes everyone happy. It's just my opinion. It's just my blog. Don't let it ruin your day :)