Today I woke up congested and just feeling yucky alltogether. I never take a nap but today I decided since both girls were exhausted when they went down for a nap at the same time that I would try too...of course they only slept an hour :( I woke up so grouchy and overwhelmed by all the crying. I was so achey and grouchy while making dinner so while finishing up my food I bluntly asked 'can I leave for awhile?' Of course my amazing husband said 'sure whatever' and asked no questions as I stood up and walked out of the house leaving him with both fussy girls. I drove past the house I grew up in....
Just seeing it put a pit in my stomach, it sure didn't feel like home anymore. I battled driving up the lane...but thought maybe the neighbors were out and I could catch up with them. Nope. I teared up seeing moms flowers blooming, the lack of flowers on the deck, and just the lack of excitement I was feeling. I loved driving up that lane, I knew mom was watching and waiting and she'd come out, help me unload Ryse and we were relaxing and felt at home instantly. I was sad that those feelings were gone.
So I drove back down the lane and stopped at the cemetary- I guess I was asking for emotion today. I found dads headstone after parking by a 'mini park'. A 24 year old died of overdose, if I recall right. Such a young, different life lead than dads- and such a different display of death at the cemetary. It was very thought provoking. Going to the cemetary has always been a weird thing for me, but today I dropped to my knees sobbing asking 'why aren't you here' out loud...waiting for my answer. It was a short visit, but it was needed.
So often, as a Christian, I feel the pressure to have joy always, to always smile and to always praise the Lord for what I'm going through. Today was a real day, I wore my heart on my sleeve, I balled my eyes out, and I feel alive. I've been created with these emotions and I think no one should hold them back.
As for now, my girls have been sleeping for about 2 hours....what in the world am I still doing awake?? Hope I get a good nights rest...I'm exhausted!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
To bite or not to bite....
So many times I ask myself whether or not I should bite my tongue or let it all out...if you know me that well this might surprise you :) There have been so many things on the tip of my tongue lately, I've been doing a lot of 'tongue biting'...yesterday I felt like I was about to explode, literally. I thinkn that's what the beginning of a panic attack feels like. I'm so very frustrated with certain people and situations, but voicing my opinion would change nothing.
On top of that I feel like my life is very extreme (is that surprising to hear from a 'boring stay at home wife/mom'?)
Here's some of what's jumbled in my crazy brian that works hardly...
Being a mom:
It's so hard, it's so draining, it's so emotional, it's so very exhausting, it's so financially stressful, it's so 'no time for me', it's so 'I can't even pay a bill without being thrown up on'
BUT
It's such a blessing, it is so much fun, it's hilarious, it's a love you can't possibly describe, it's ornery lil stinkers that act (gritting teeth) just like their parents, it's watching her learn how to spin in circles without falling down...it's so wonderful.
Being a wife:
It's so frustrating to try to think like a man, or just understand one. It's so 'I should cook, clean, let him go running, not gripe when he's in the garage', I should make his favorite meal, I should sit and talk to him when I just want to gaze at a blank tv screen
BUT
It's so wonderful to have a helper, It's priceless he'll eat anything (including cereal for 3 straight meals), It's encouraging when he tells me I'm doing great, It's amazing when he says "go rest, do whatever you want", It's a blessing he works so hard, It's perfect when he tells me I 'look good' when I'm covered in barf, haven't showered, and wearing the same sweats and tank as I had on the day before.
Being a friend:
It's time consuming with some, It's 'I hate talking on the phone with my only free minute', It's some who have no idea what I'm going through (ironically), It's effort
BUT
It's the few who totally understand, It's family who turn into great friends, It's the phone call to say "I'd buy your kids" lol, It's a day out at the park, It's someone who laughs when they see me in the same clothes as the day before, it's an encouraging word at church, it's singing real loud in a car.
Duty calls.... :)
On top of that I feel like my life is very extreme (is that surprising to hear from a 'boring stay at home wife/mom'?)
Here's some of what's jumbled in my crazy brian that works hardly...
Being a mom:
It's so hard, it's so draining, it's so emotional, it's so very exhausting, it's so financially stressful, it's so 'no time for me', it's so 'I can't even pay a bill without being thrown up on'
BUT
It's such a blessing, it is so much fun, it's hilarious, it's a love you can't possibly describe, it's ornery lil stinkers that act (gritting teeth) just like their parents, it's watching her learn how to spin in circles without falling down...it's so wonderful.
Being a wife:
It's so frustrating to try to think like a man, or just understand one. It's so 'I should cook, clean, let him go running, not gripe when he's in the garage', I should make his favorite meal, I should sit and talk to him when I just want to gaze at a blank tv screen
BUT
It's so wonderful to have a helper, It's priceless he'll eat anything (including cereal for 3 straight meals), It's encouraging when he tells me I'm doing great, It's amazing when he says "go rest, do whatever you want", It's a blessing he works so hard, It's perfect when he tells me I 'look good' when I'm covered in barf, haven't showered, and wearing the same sweats and tank as I had on the day before.
Being a friend:
It's time consuming with some, It's 'I hate talking on the phone with my only free minute', It's some who have no idea what I'm going through (ironically), It's effort
BUT
It's the few who totally understand, It's family who turn into great friends, It's the phone call to say "I'd buy your kids" lol, It's a day out at the park, It's someone who laughs when they see me in the same clothes as the day before, it's an encouraging word at church, it's singing real loud in a car.
Duty calls.... :)
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