The backstory to my emotional roller coaster of the last few weeks can be contributed to losing my job. For the first time in my life I felt like I was in prayer about where God wanted me and where He was working. I also had a partner in this, and for the first time in our marriage I felt like we were right where God wanted us. Like we had options and like adults prayed about them and followed. While customer service and entering orders for a door and window making company was never on my radar while I was away at college this is where I felt God moving. He opened doors (and windows, ha.ha), wide open. Hiring me as a part-time employee and giving two brand new moms a fill-in for maternity leave followed by a day off every week after coming back - it was perfect. The new babysitter became a great friend. The friends the girls made. The extra income that helped pay things off and free us up to do fun things. To go places. To give. It was God. The people I met, cheesy, but... from God.
I went into the job determined. I learned a lot about me, how I handle (or don't handle) authority and conflict. How I follow. Allowing stubbornly God to mold me. There were real people there, of course there was drama, but there were real people too. Hurting people. Growing people. Finding God people. Laughing people. Fun people. I love people, so this was wonderful!
I learned two different departments while I was working there and a lot about doors. I also learned to be confident in the things I know and to ask questions when I don't. Things were going wonderfully...2 days a week was perfect for work, money, our kids, adult interaction, and structure. And then after a year of work I got called to the office. They were eliminating part-time.
I felt God wanted me here, turning down other options for this one, this felt cruel, hurtful, and personal. I had a little warning before the meeting that something wasn't right- praying hard to keep my head up, hope for answers, and bow out gracefully I tried. I cried a lot, got a few answers, and hurt.
The explanations were there, but they were contradictory to the last meeting where everything was going wonderfully and part time was working and helpful to the company. They kept saying it wasn't personal, but it felt very personal and as a words of affirmation loving people pleaser this was harder to swallow than I could have imagined.
Not the good bye or thanks you'd hope for. Not even one word from one boss who I love and so admire. Just about 2 minutes of packing up my desk and out the door.
There were great things about it too- like the way my husband responded. He was thrilled, or more than thrilled. He has loved, and verbalized often, having me home these last two weeks. He loves that I drop off Ryse at school and pick her up and have these extra days to hang with Mia before she goes to school. He excitedly reminded me that summer is coming and that meant pool days and play dates with the girls. When I talked about finding another job he reminded me I have the rest of my life if I wanna work. He's also hugged me tight and listened me to cry harder than I should admit I cried. He validates my feelings when I tell him it hurts he reminds me we were praying and that was an answer. God is moving. He reminds me it's okay to get my feelings hurt and miss people...and then we dream about where we go from here. Which is great, but this situation left little room for the old me.
When I get my feelings hurt I usually snap back. I say things that hurt worse, because I can and in the moment it feels good. I've been blessed with the ability to win fights and arguments and to hurt people. I didn't do that this time. There was a peace that God was moving and had plans for me somewhere else...but there was that real hurt too. So I still have the urge to snap back. To say hurtful things and focus on where they wronged. (It wasn't WRONG to let me go, not at all, it was hurtful the way they did, just to clarify.) I wanted to bash the company and all the things they stand for. I wanted to tell them where they could shove that job. I wanted to talk to people before it was over.
So here I am: admittedly seeing God work and moving but clinging to the fact that how it happened is not fair and that I'm hurt and they should hear about it. That was all I could dwell on until one pouty night lead to His mercy and this quote to move me towards forgiveness:
"Don't I really want joy? Don't I really want the fullest life? For all my yearning for joy, long for joy, begging for joy- is the bald truth that I prefer the empty dark? Why do I lunge for control instead of joy? Is it somehow more perversely satisfying to flex control's muscle? Ah- power- like Satan. Do I think Jesus-grace too impotent to give me the full life? Isn't that the only reason I don't always swill the joy? If the startling truth is I don't really want joy, there's a far worse truth. If I am rejecting the joy that is hidden somewhere deep in this moment- am I not ultimately rejecting God? Whenever I am blind to joy's well, isn't it because I don't believe in God's care? That God cares enough about me to always offer me joy's water, wherever I am, regardless of circumstance.
In His presence is fullness of joy. He is in this moment. God is always here, precisely because He does care."
It's so me to hold on to grudges for-ev-er. To say nasty things that hurt people. However I feel God asking me, for maybe no other reason but my peace, to forgive. To move past wanting reasons, appreciation, and revenge and move towards where He wants me to be now.
The same morning I read this quote I took Ryse to school, and because I had time I ran home and made breakfast for two girls who had none. I then drove 25 minutes to pick up a little girl in Ryse's class so she wouldn't miss the field trip like she missed the bus that morning...helping a mom with a broken down car. Then I spent the day on a field trip meeting Ryse's friends, their parents, and watching Ryse and how much she's grown as she played and talked with her classmates.
I still crumple my nose when the job subject comes up, but I know God wants to use my time if I let Him. I know He wants to give me peace from Him, not from co-workers and bosses. I want to choose joy daily, His joy, and His care. Slowly, surely this circumstance seems smaller and smaller, and thankfully He is in this moment. Always here, because He cares. And because of this circumstance, I can see that more than ever.
