Spoiled Rotten No Good Brats...

and since it's my blog I can call em whatever I want to! :)

i have run into a few people who have literally had their love bought by material things. as sad as it is it grows into irresponsibility and insensitivity. people like this has no consideration for other peoples time. they have no appreciation when you bend so far over backwards for them you about snap. the words thank you never leave their lips. they can be so incredibly fun to hang out with but drive you absolutely mad. so what do you do with people like this.

coming off of my 'this is my missions field' thinking i need to just keep being a helpful hand every.single.time they ask, or don't ask, they expect. i need to be Jesus to them. i guess i need to learn to think more like Jesus.

one thing i know about Jesus- He hung out with the unlovely. i bet He loved that. the Bible says He had compassion on them. i am praying to get to that point. its.so.hard.

Let's chuck it...

Things have been crazy lately. I'm sure most of you know what's been going on in my family...anxiously awaiting a baby, a thyroid with a cyst, pre-cancerous moles, colonoscopies, potential cancerous tumor ....ahh. I mean within a week, two tops.

I've been feeling on top of the stress and emotions just the pressure to keep up. To keep a clean house, to cook dinner but first go grocery shopping, make doctor appointments, find babysitters, pay the doctor bills, find time to play and to teach, to be at 180, to reach out to kids to spend time with them, to pray for them, to clear my mind for a few short hours to be there completely. I've felt pressure to help, to do, to be, to work, to budget, and I just might explode. (I don't even want to talk about my favorite holiday, Christmas, yet.)

Last night David Gardner joined us at 180- he's a missionary to Peru. He told his story. He plays soccer with sinners, he's friends with them, tells one the gospel and it spreads. The excitement spreads. They bring people to hear. There's a picture of a whole group of people and he's touched them all. They will all be in heaven because he made sure they heard the Bible.( I don't even want to think about what my picture would look like, it'd be sad.)

He lives so normal, he has a beautiful wife, beautiful daughter, gets to play soccer, goes to church, drives a car, even carries an iphone. Yet he positions himself to win souls...he read from Matthew 9. If I could repeat his words verbatim I would.

Bear with me. He started in verse 35 explaining how Jesus spent full days helping people, healing people. That kinda makes me stressed just thinking about it...I get worn out from such minor gestures of 'help' because my schedule is strict (my fault) Mondays- laundry, tuesday clean, wednesday bills and projects, thursdays....seriously!!! who does this, week in and week out. Yet Jesus healed, not "I'm sorry, I need a shower and peace and quiet from 1-3" I'm so pathetic. Anyways...all day healing, let me help you vision who he was helping....a women with a bleeding problem, lepers- gross seeping wounds, dying flesh, people throwing themselves at Him every where He turned. Verse 35 tells us that he went about all the cities...healing every sickness and every disease among the people. 36 But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, BECAUSE they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd. 

NOT because they stunk, or were dirty, or gross, or starving....but because they were lost and dying with no shepherd. *Dear self, you need to see people differently*

Secondly he pointed out that vs 37 says "the harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few". Asking the questions "what is the harvest? when you go to harvest do you take seeds with you?" Nope, the fields are done being worked, the seeds were planted, grew and now need harvested. All God is asking for is harvesters. To love and lead people to Him.

Seeing David's pictures last night and reading these simple verses I began to dream, to let my mind wander. 

He caught my attention closing with verse 38 "Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest" 

Sure, I can sit here in my comfy house, fire place lit because it's a little chilly, listening to music on the big ol' tv and pray God would send someone.  I also need to remember that God came to save the world and as of today, my mission field is here. I need to reach out and love my brothers and sisters in Christ, but if that is all I am ever doing I am not adding to His Kingdom. Find sinners, find people who are different, who talk different, dress different, smell different and love them. That's my goal. Position myself with 'sinners'.

I will pray that the Lord sends someone, but while I'm sitting here typing about all the stress and struggles in life, I would be lying if I didn't admit I pray that maybe just maybe God uses the Zahners in a bigger plan, in a picture that's just a little bigger than the picture I can see. 

Today my stomach turns, nothing will solve the physical problems in my family, nothing will fix the hurt from missing such a huge part of our family from cancer, financial stress, and the stress of just not having enough time in the day...but it helps to dream...what would it be like to just 'chuck it all' and head outta here?

It's been awhile...

I'm babysitting: Maci is the sweetest little thing, fast asleep on my chest. Mia, going down for a late nap, is asleep upstairs, and me...decided I should update. It's been long overdue. 

I only have so long to update, there's Park Street Pizza on the way. One thing that never ceases to make me happy. 

I'm not sure what's going on. I haven't physically felt 100% for awhile so I decided to look into it. Sweet little nurse does blood work because my thyroid felt large, totally bruised the heck outta me. I lived. Had an ultrasound done on my thyroid that showed a small cyst. One doctor says to see a enda-chron-ologist and get more blood work. One doctor says it's a small cyst and the first set of blood work looked good so see no specialist and do no more blood work...just go back in 6 months for another ultrasound. Seriously- get on the same page. 

So I decided- rather to be safe than sorry? Trust doctor B and save a pretty penny? 

Secondly someone else in our family is having testing done and it's not looking pretty. It kinda puts my teeny lil cyst to shame actually. 

All the while we wait for baby Herman. He/she was much anticipated to come yesterday but the lungs weren't developed so there is a c-section scheduled for the 22nd. I was so wanting to hold a sweet lil baby in the midst of life right now, but I will wait. I'll keep praying for it. And when we get to hold him/her- it will be a million times worth it. 

On the other hand- we just had a missions conference at church. Now, for the last two years, I leave it praying 'okay I'll go, or I'll stay, but please make it reeeeaaallly really clear'. My question to Derrick was "does everyone sit in these messages thinking they are being called, or wondering if they are, or am I thinking that because we're being called and I'm to dumb to realize it?" I didn't get an answer. He just said I shouldn't wonder what everyone else is thinking. Ooooh boy, I guess I'll keep wondering but hiding it...haha. 

I love missions conferences, it puts life into perspective. Every where should be your field. And the coolest thing I learned and was reminded of was that missions starts here. now. And to be content with where God has you. Also when God shuts a door- not a bad thing. I'll have to dwell on that later. It was such a wonderful week. It's pizza time and I am so very hungry. 

Sorry this was random: I will try to get back into blogging again. I'll look for interesting topics :)