A Drive Down Memory Lane

Today I woke up congested and just feeling yucky alltogether. I never take a nap but today I decided since both girls were exhausted when they went down for a nap at the same time that I would try too...of course they only slept an hour :( I woke up so grouchy and overwhelmed by all the crying. I was so achey and grouchy while making dinner so while finishing up my food I bluntly asked 'can I leave for awhile?' Of course my amazing husband said 'sure whatever' and asked no questions as I stood up and walked out of the house leaving him with both fussy girls. I drove past the house I grew up in....

Just seeing it put a pit in my stomach, it sure didn't feel like home anymore. I battled driving up the lane...but thought maybe the neighbors were out and I could catch up with them. Nope. I teared up seeing moms flowers blooming, the lack of flowers on the deck, and just the lack of excitement I was feeling. I loved driving up that lane, I knew mom was watching and waiting and she'd come out, help me unload Ryse and we were relaxing and felt at home instantly. I was sad that those feelings were gone.

So I drove back down the lane and stopped at the cemetary- I guess I was asking for emotion today. I found dads headstone after parking by a 'mini park'. A 24 year old died of overdose, if I recall right. Such a young, different life lead than dads- and such a different display of death at the cemetary. It was very thought provoking. Going to the cemetary has always been a weird thing for me, but today I dropped to my knees sobbing asking 'why aren't you here' out loud...waiting for my answer. It was a short visit, but it was needed.

So often, as a Christian, I feel the pressure to have joy always, to always smile and to always praise the Lord for what I'm going through. Today was a real day, I wore my heart on my sleeve, I balled my eyes out, and I feel alive. I've been created with these emotions and I think no one should hold them back.

As for now, my girls have been sleeping for about 2 hours....what in the world am I still doing awake?? Hope I get a good nights rest...I'm exhausted!